Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
You Might Also Like
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
the rocks need my help
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.