Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
yeah 😭
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
how long have you had this for?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct