Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Alexa: *deep breath*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.