Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch