Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”