Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

one of

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?