Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them