Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”