Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called