Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
You’ll be OK
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it