Autocarrot sucks!
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
#Caturday
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭