Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The Chosen Phew

@KyleMcDowell86

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

@UncleDuke1969

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

@SexySpainNights

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@curlycomedy

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!