Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
They’re called werewolves.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter