Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?