Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport


Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.


me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:


Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.


Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?



4-year-old: This is a dream


What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?


Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”


The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.


People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.