@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

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@sofarrsogud

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

@riot4rach

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.