Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
#Caturday
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him