Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo