Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.