Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
🤣🤣
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.