Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
me and my fake scenarios
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
This was the best day of my life
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.