Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
You Might Also Like
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
another case of gang violins