Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.