Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
u spoke cat all this time??????
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.