Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
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“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
They got Raph!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.