Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?