Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]