Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste