Autocorrect completely socks
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My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When you let grandma cat sit
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
This kid is going places
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!