Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
You Might Also Like
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning