Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
…żyje?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Yup!