@JohnLyonTweets

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

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@NolaChef504

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

@causticbob

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

@GreenishDuck

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

@fro_vo

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

@Midgetspar

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

@itsmebeegee07

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

@Reverend_Scott

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

@Kyle_Lippert

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

@AimeeHelene1

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

@wakeupangry

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.