Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways


Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?


You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”


Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you


If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.


Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face


[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]


“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”


*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*


Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.