@NolaChef504 When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
@JohnLyonTweets Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
You Might Also Like
@NolaChef504 
@causticbob Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
@GreenishDuck You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
@fro_vo Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
@Midgetspar If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
@itsmebeegee07 Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
@Reverend_Scott [horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
@Kyle_Lippert “I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
@AimeeHelene1 *husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@wakeupangry Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.