Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
You Might Also Like
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
beware of dog
(jukin media)
You can’t rush stupid.
dutch so unserious
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”