Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.