Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.