Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature