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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.