Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.