Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.