Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Reporter: *ports again*