AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
still the best tweet of the year by far
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
it was a valiant fight
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.