@handsforkeys
@dreamthievin “Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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@dreamthievin 
@ChaseMit “Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
@ristolable First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
@DanMentos “So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
@FunnyBison What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
@OBiiieeee BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
@Dirtmill Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
@PerfectPending Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
@AndrewChamings Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
@imence2 I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!