AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Is this a threat?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.