Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
is this a warning or an offer?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.