AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Spring cleaning checklist…
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.