Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My nickname in high school was “who?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit