Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The Punning Dead.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
the three branches of government
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.