Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case