Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.