Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?