Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.