Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs