Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
You Might Also Like
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If looks could kill
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”